“This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.”
Psalms 91:2
In September of 2017, my father suddenly fell ill and developed an autoimmune condition from a West Nile complication. I remember seeing him in the hospital having multiple seizures and the moment he was placed in a medically induced coma to give his brain time to decrease swelling. Doctors said he’d likely never walk or talk again. With proper care and rehab, he made incredible improvements in his health. And though he had deficits, he was walking and speaking. When my parents moved to Florida in 2020, my dad ended up in and out of the hospital again, with each visit making his condition progressively worse. For context, seizures that last more than five minutes are considered emergent. On two different occasions, his seizures lasted for over an hour, resulting in lengthy hospitalizations and an undoing of his incredible progress.
The regression is still difficult to wrap my head around. In what feels like overnight, he went from talking and moving all over to being bed ridden and limited in his speech, requiring strong doses of medication to help maintain stability. I don’t talk about it often because I hate that my dad is in this condition and because I firmly worry that if I really start to ask God for a miracle or to heal Him, there’s a possibility that it won’t happen. This thinking makes me abundantly aware that I haven’t fully put my trust in Him in this, despite knowing I can. If I’m being fully transparent, I think my fear of the unknown has stopped me from bringing everything I’ve attached to this into the secret place. The irony is that none of what I’m feeling or what I desire to do is a secret to God. I can become undone with Him and have the comfort of knowing that I’m safe there.
Psalms 91 is grounding because the passage tells us where we should be putting our trust and the rewards for when we do. There are always going to be things that try to keep us from fixing our eyes on Jesus. It was an interesting moment when I realized that my worries about the barrage of things the world tells us to be scared of coupled with my concerns regarding my dad’s health are an indication that I don’t feel safe with God, even though He told me He’s with me in this (yikes). I’m learning to reevaluate where I’m putting my trust. I’m beginning to understand more that day by day, even moment by moment, we are met with opportunities and choices of how to respond when faced with unknowns. Moreover, how to maintain a heart posture of worship even when things in my life present in such a way that make me curious if God really has my best interest in mind.
While in this particular area of my life I’m still figuring out how to walk this out fully, how amazing that God invites us to make Him our protector and in turn He’s with us in times of trouble. We get to rest assured that if we enter the secret place with Him, we have safety. This doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen. In fact, they definitely will. Psalms 91:5-7 gives us assurance that while challenges may come our way, we are covered. We can trust Him. I encourage us to have confidence that we serve a God who is so for us and protects us as we navigate through the unknowns. He is our safe space and when we fix on our eyes on Him, we don’t need to worry. We have peace in knowing He’s with us and for us, even when circumstances don’t present that way. For now, I choose to hold onto His safety as I allow Him to go before me and navigate.
Megan Ford
Dear Lord, thank You for being a safe space in the midst of world that can often feel tumultuous. Thank You for loving me deeply enough to allow me to be close to you and protected by You, even when I feel far away from You. I ask You for strength amid challenges and for an increased awareness of your Holy Spirit who comforts and guides when things in my life suddenly pivot. I love You and I thank You for being so mindful of me. In Your Name I pray, Amen.
